That time again

We scheduled Frog's 1 year vaccinations yesterday (1 month late).

I'm already cringing.

Please, do we REALLY have to do this AGAIN?!

Yes, yes we do.

*sigh*

Reflection

With Frog having turned one year old last month, I've been thinking a lot about her birth. Trying to piece together parts that are foggy, covered. It's strange; I remember it all, but in the way that you remember a movie that you saw when you were 7. Big things stand out, small things have to be coaxed from the shadows.

Scary things have to be physically pulled from the back of the mind.

I was awake for almost two days. The first rest I got was after the epidural was given and we both slept. Memories of motions done, things said - all automatic but sincere. The feeling of being so tired and worn that your body and mind separate as an act of self-preservation.

I can't fall apart.

The sounds of Partner's cries, the voices of the nurses. The coldness of the room whose temperature wouldn't regulate. The soothing sound of water rushing into the birth pool. The beep of monitors, the glare of computer screens. Being there, but not. Seeing, but not. Experiencing.

One of the loviest memories I have during the labor was while Partner was in the birth pool. Pain seemed to turn into almost comfort. The water was warm, lapping against my hand as she swayed. Singing Patty Loveless songs together, the midwife rocking slowly in the chair in the corner - singing along with us.

The pushing stage.

The grip of Partner's hand, turning my own blue and tingly. The voice of the nurse and midwife reassuring us both that we were doing wonderful and our precious girl would be here soon.

The midwife, motioning to the slick brown hair barely visible and telling me softly:

Go ahead, touch her. That's your daughter.

That moment I touched her, before she left her Mother's body - probably the most surreal moment of the whole labor. Wet and soft like the catfish I used to catch with my Dad.

My daughter.

Of this world, and here - but not here yet. When I touched her crowning head....did I connect with her? Did she sense me?

That last groan, that last powerful push that brought our beautiful daughter into the world. She sounded like an animal, and I remember thinking to myself that it was amazing.

The look of my child's open, unblinking eyes. Her blue skin. Her chest not rising and falling. The worried glances exchanged around the room.

The sound of suction.

I can't fall apart.

But oh - the beautiful sound when she whimpered! She was here, and at that moment the whole experience was meshed into one big emotion. At that point, I wouldn't have been able to discern what had happened 3 minutes before and what had happened 32 hours ago.

Partner's pale white skin, the monitor warning of her dipping blood pressure. The sound of silence when I kissed her blue lips and whispered "I love you".....she didn't hear me.

The feel of the hard rocking chair as I sat beside her bed, watching her bleed and cursing every spirit I could conjure. Refusing to visit my daughter in the nursery because I was scared Partner wouldn't be there when I came back......

She hadn't heard me say "I love you".

The feeling of release when we were all together again. Awake, happy - like it was supposed to be.

I often wonder if I handled things like I should have. Was I there enough for them? I wasn't even in my right state of mind for most of the labor.....did I fail?

No, I didn't.

Like most people, I have 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys', but I wouldn't change the entrance of our daughter into the world. It brought us together....I really do believe that chaos and perfection have similar binding properties.

With the birth of every child, the world begins again.

*wave*

Frog will turn 10 months old on the 28th....

It's amazing that before I had a child, I let things slip by me. Days, weeks, months....it never ocurred to me how fast they dwindled away. Now, when my days and weeks and months are peppered with the milestones of a growing baby I realize how quickly time passes.

Isn't it funny how our children do little things - things we never notice until one day they don't do them anymore, and we go "When did you stop doing that?"

Frog is teaching us to slow down - to breathe. To play with plants more. To not get so upset so quickly. To love each other. To see the goodness in the world because some day we'll need to point it out to her.

I love my family. I never imagined that at 26 years old I would feel so complete. There was a time when I hated everything about myself, my life (Richard, I'm sure you remember). Those times are such a distant memory now, and for that I'm glad.

In other news -
I've applied for a higher paying position within my department and it's taking FOREVER for them to get back to me. Le sigh.

We've been travelling! Went to see my mom, sister, and sundry other family, Frog saw her first 4th of July parade, and we attended our first Arts and Crafts fair together.

I'm tired a lot these days, but it's a good tired.

:)

Fickle, Fickle!

So.

I'm thinking of moving this here blog over to WordPress. Anyone have a blog at WordPress? Is it worth it?

Real update full of win coming in the near future!

*Insert Witty Title Here*

Our daughter is OBSESSED with road signs.

Yep, road signs.

Almost every evening we take a jaunt around the neighborhood - it' s good for everyone, especially Frog who tends to be a little bit of a crankpot if not given her outside time routinely.

EVERY time she sees a stop sign, or a handicapped parking sign, or any sign for that matter - she squeals and laughs and smiles. It's hilarious, and of course it makes for very long walks because we always have to stand for a minute while she gazes at them in amazement.

Speaking of Frog....SIX MONTHS! We've managed to keep her alive and healthy for 1/2 a year! Things are going well, although sleep is a wee bit of a rough spot. Er, let me rephrase that - SLEEP in and of itself isn't a rough spot, but rather the fact that most of the time, she won't sleep without Partner beside her is a rough spot. But I won't bore you with all that.

I'm stuck at work right now. My desk faces a huge window which overlooks the farm on which my building is located. The sun is shining, birds are making their nests. I'm reminded that today is Earth Day - did you know? Well, hmmm - did you? Hopefully we'll take Frog to the park this evening so she can delight herself with people watching and grass touching (although grass kind of icks her out a little. She can't figure it out.)

It's kind of disheartening when you think about the state that our environment is in (and what it's in for). I look around and see beautiful land being destroyed for new Rite-Aids and banks. I look around and see trash on the roads, disposable EVERYTHING, animals that are being displaced for one more subdivision. It all makes me wonder if the little things that Partner and I practice on a daily basis to do our part is enough. Is it enough when our entire society is so focused on technology, on convinence, on instant gratification?

Of course it is. Every little thing that we do has an impact. We all have to start owning a little part of this world. Realizing that yes! - throwing that aluminum can in the recycle bin instead of the trash is something. If we all do little things, we'll accomplish great things.

And then I look at Frog - SHE is the reason to keep doing what we're doing. So that she'll get to see squirrels and rabbits and trees when she's older. So that her world will still be a beautiful place.

So go outside today, play with your kids or play with your dog. Or just go read a book outside. Recycle today, turn the water off when you brush your teeth tonight, use a dish rag instead of paper towel.

It is Earth Day, after all :)

Time goes by

Long time no see!

The days are flying by and Frog is 4 1/2 months old already! I really can't believe it. She's teething, rolling over, and is cute 24/7. We've been having a few sleep issues, but we can deal. Just barely, though :)

I can't wait for summer to return....I'm so tired of cold and ice and snow. Blah.

Hope everyone and their families are having a wonderful day!

Found on Estelle's blog

I'm posting this because if we are ever blessed with a son, he will NEVER know the horrors of circumcision.

I reject circumcision.

For girls. For boys. For women. For men. For every human alive, or who ever lived, or who ever will live.

I reject circumcision because I regret being circumcised. Because I regret having someone else circumcised. Because circumcision is regrettable.

I reject circumcision because my genitals were cut. Because my genitals were not cut. Because I own my genitals.

I reject circumcision because I did not consent to the cutting of my genitals. Because I could not consent to the cutting of my children. Because the doctor did it anyway. Because the old man did it anyway.

I reject circumcision because it did not fool me. Because it did not fool everyone. Not back then. Not now. Not ever.

I reject circumcision because it cannot prevent disease. Because it is a disease. Because it must be cured. Because it must end.

I reject circumcision for better sex. Alone. With another. For any and all sex. For joy.

I reject circumcision because I have suffered. Because others have suffered. For all who suffered. For all who suffered and died.

I reject circumcision because it is a violation of human rights. Of human dignity. Of genital integrity. Of integrity.

I reject circumcision on behalf of myself. On behalf of my children. For the children I love. For the children I'll never know. For the children who will never know to thank me.

I reject circumcision in the name of truth. In the name of medicine. In the name of science. In the name of humanity.

I reject circumcision in the name of beauty. Because it is a mutilation. Because it is an injury. Because it is unnatural. It is ugly.

I reject circumcision on behalf of those traumatized by it. For those who have been wounded by it. For those who did the wounding. For the wound.

I reject circumcision for my family. For Africans. For Jews. For Christians. For Muslims. For Americans. For Everyone.

I reject circumcision for Abraham. For Isaac. For Jacob. For baby Jesus. For the boy Muhammad. For the girl Ayaan.

I reject circumcision done for tradition. Done for the rite. Done for God. Done for power. Done for money. Done because they could. Done always for wrong.

I reject circumcision done for "my own good." For "your own good." For anyone's "own good." Done to fit in. Done for my mother-in-law. Done for no damn good.

I reject circumcision when I'm by myself. When I'm with others. When I'm holding a baby. When I'm making love.

I reject circumcision because I was involved. Because I got involved. Because someone needs to be involved. Because children are involved.

I reject circumcision because it is my right to do so. Because it is my moral duty to do so. Because I am responsible.

I reject circumcision because I should have known better. Because I know better now. Because I help others know better. Now.

I reject circumcision to redeem myself. To redeem others. To redeem a man-made plague of six millennia.

I reject circumcision by speaking up. By speaking out. By blogging and posting and emailing and writing and mailing. Again.

I reject circumcision and I prevented one circumcision. I can prevent ten circumcisions. Or 10 thousand. Or 10 million.

I reject circumcision and when I do, others follow. Because it has to be stopped. Because it will not stop until it is stopped. Because we will not stop. Or be stopped.

This is my Covenant with myself, with my children, and with children everywhere:

I reject circumcision in order to end it.

I am an Intactivist.


(Please copy, post, and distribute freely.)